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Not Your Typical Love Triangle: Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love

 

For whatever reason, the most insightful relationship advice can come from the last place you would expect. In this case, the unlikely love guru takes the form of a cognitive psychologist named Robert J. Sternberg, who created a theory known as the "triangular theory of love." Dr. Sternberg's theory applies to not just romantic love, but can also break down any kind of relationship you are involved in (platonic, romantic, friends-with-benefits, you name it!). So if you find yourself in some relationship issues, allow me to share some wisdom!

THE INGREDIENTS OF LOVE

Alright, first thing to know about Dr. Sternberg's unique little love triangle is that there are three main components of love:

  • Intimacy: Feelings of closeness, bondedness, connectedness
  • Passion: Drives leading to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation
  • Commitment: Making the short term decision that you love another, and eventually the long term decision to work at maintaining that love and remain with that person
These three components act in a systematic manner, so you can mix and match components to develop different kinds of relationships. A relationship involving intimacy and passion will be very different than a relationship of commitment and passion. Another important thing to note is that the more components you have, the more likely your relationship is to last.

Like many things in life, relationships are not set in stone; they can grow and evolve in their make-up. Maybe what starts out as a purely passion-based love turns into one involving intimacy in the future. Or the opposite can happen when a component of the relationship fades or is lost. One example of this could be a relationship of intimacy and commitment loses the commitment component as people grow apart and pursue different goals.

SEVEN KINDS OF LOVE


Within all the different possible combinations of the components of intimacy, passion, and commitment, there are about seven possible types of love:
  • Friendship/Liking: (Intimacy Only) You have some kind of connection or bond, but nothing more than just platonic buddies. If you're upset about being in the friend-zone, keep in mind that friendship can be the root of other stronger forms of love.
  • Infatuation: (Passion Only) Characterized by feelings of lust and physical attraction without any deeper sense of connection. The initial infatuation is often very powerful.
  • Empty Love: (Commitment Only) Lots of loyalty to each other, but that's about it. This form of love may form from the deterioration of a stronger love, but it can also happen in reverse (such as an arranged marriage that flourishes and grows over time).
  • Romantic Love: (Passion + Intimacy) This kind of relationship involves both deep, personal conversations and sexual passion/affection. For many couples in this relationship stage, long-term commitment and future plans are still undecided.
  • Companionate Love: (Intimacy + Commitment) While it is stronger than friendship love because it includes commitment, there is still little to no sexual desire present. We can see this type of love between close friends, family members, or even in marriages where the couple is no longer in love but they still have a strong bond with each other.
  • Fatuous Love: (Passion + Commitment) Basically a kind of "whirlwind courtship" where passion motivates commitment without the establishment of intimacy (so think married-in-a-Las-Vegas-drive-thru-chapel-after-dating-for-a-month kind of vibe). Sadly, these relationships do not tend to last very long, and if they do, many chalk it up to pure luck.
  • Consummate Love: (Intimacy + Passion + Commitment) Three for three, baby! This kind of love is made up of all three components and widely represents an ideal relationship. Couples experiencing this kind of love have great sex long into their relationship, will overcome differences and grow together, and typically cannot imagine life without the other person (nor do they want to imagine such a future). In short, this kind of couple is #relationshipgoals.
As perfect as consummate love sounds, there is a catch: this kind of love is harder to maintain than it is to achieve. Without the expression of the three components, the passion may be lost and the relationship could shift back into a lesser type of love. In other words, love is not just something you naturally feel; it is something you must put work into for it to remain alive and thriving.



Now, while all three main components are required for consummate love, the importance of each component can differ from person to person and/or couple to couple. The amount of each component desired by one person may more or less than what another person needs, or someone's needs may  change over time. For instance, an asexual couple will not need as much passion as a sexually active couple would need to achieve an ideal relationship, but that doesn't mean that asexual love is weaker or less different.

So, here's my advice: take some time to consider what components of Dr. Sternberg's triangle are most important to you and see how these traits apply to your current relationships. You could use this theory to avoid pitfalls in your love life, work towards areas of your friendships/romantic relationships that need improvement, or recognize when it is simply time to let someone go out of your life.

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